The classic guide to bringing out the best in people at their worst—updated with even more can’t-standable people!

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand has been helping good people deal with bad behavior in a positive, professional way for nearly two decades.

Unfortunately, as the world becomes smaller and time more compressed, new difficult people are being made all the time. So Kirschner and Brinkman have updated their global bestseller to help you wring positive results from even the most twisted interactions you’re likely to experience today.

Learn how to get things done and get along when you’re dealing with people who have the uncanny ability to sabotage, derail, and interfere with your plans, needs, and wants. Learn how to:

• • Use sophisticated listening techniques to unlock the doors to people’ s minds, hearts, and deepest needs

• • Apply “take-charge” skills that turn conflict into cooperation by reducing the differences between people

• • Transform the destructive behavior of Tanks, Snipers, Know-It-Alls, Whiners, Martyrs, Meddlers, and other difficult types of people

Whether you’re dealing with a coworker trying to take credit for your work, a distant family member who knows no personal bounds, or a loud cell phone talker on line at the grocery store, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand gives you the tools for bringing out the best in people at their worst.

You know these people from the office: the dominating Tank, the undermining Sniper, the explosive Grenade and the smarmy Know-It-All. For your sake, here’s hoping you only have one or two of them running around your cubicle farm. Unfortunately, the work world is fraught with complainers, cheats, toadies and downers. To avoid becoming a downer yourself, you need coping strategies. Authors Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner describe 10 difficult, if slightly contrived, personalities and provide communications techniques for dealing with them. This is not a textbook, being slim on attributions and facts. It is, rather, a feel-good handbook of simple suggestions for using tactics and popular psychology to deal with someone you’d actually rather strangle. Given that choice, conversation is a better strategy. This light but well-intentioned book is for human resources professionals, managers with problem employees and you, if you’re feeling particularly homicidal about that knuckle-cracking, gum-popping slacker in the next cubby.

• You can take one of four approaches when coping with difficult people: do nothing, walk away, change your attitude or change your approach in dealing with them.
• People respond to different situations with varying degrees of assertiveness.
• People operate in a normal zone of emotions ranging from aggression to passivity.
• Most people are either focused on completing a task, doing the task correctly, building relationships or getting recognition for their contributions.
• When people’s priorities change, their problems change.
• The intensity with which a person focuses on building relationships and gaining recognition can lead to problem behaviors.
• When workers are intent on doing their jobs right, they can become perfectionists.
• A person who is focused on getting the job done may try to exert too much control.
• If you master certain communications skills, you can convert confrontational situations into cooperative opportunities.
• Proper phone and e-mail use can enhance communications and reduce potential miscues.

Take Charge Communications

People do not always get along with each other, but you don’t have to be the victim of a difficult person. Take charge of seemingly impossible personalities by developing communications techniques that make them alter their behavior towards you when you have to deal with them.

“Gain control over your attitude toward the problem people in your life, and accept them as they are.”

Most dislikable behavior stems from being too timid or too aggressive. With that in mind, identify the personality types of the problem people in your corner of the corporate world. Then use appropriate communications strategies to defuse and positively re-direct their troubling tendencies.

The Cast of Characters

The first step begins with trying to identify problem personality types, who include the following:

• Tanks – They epitomize aggressive, in-your-face behavior and are often angry and confrontational. They dominate any meeting or social situation.
• Snipers – Their specialty is making others look foolish to diminish their effectiveness and credibility.
• Know-It-Alls – They do not like to be contradicted, especially in front of a group, and will react defensively if threatened.
• Think-They-Know-It-Alls – These folks are attention-getters who try to gain recognition by flaunting their supposedly authoritative knowledge. They make sure to pick unfamiliar topics so you might not know if they really are experts.
• Grenades – Their behavior is unpredictable. They have disproportionate reactions to seemingly meaningless events. No one knows when they’ll go off.
• Yes People – They crave appreciation and recognition. To achieve it, they take on too many obligations until their time is depleted. At that point, they become hostile since they have pre-empted their own flexibility and leisure time with these chores.
• Maybe People – They avoid decisions and delay so long that events happen without their input. They often miss the boat entirely.
• Nothing People – They are basically uncommunicative and function at the most basic emotional social level. Just think of someone who never, ever got that first cup of coffee.
• No People – They are negative to the point of never trying anything new. If you want someone to tell you that it is futile to even try, here’s your candidate.
• Whiners – They strive for perfection and it makes them miserable. All they want is consolation, solace and solutions, but those had better be perfect, too.

“Every behavior has a purpose, or an intent, that the behavior is trying to fulfill.”

This cast of characters can ruin the atmosphere of any workplace or social situation. To cope with these individuals, you could do nothing and suffer in silence; find a new job or change your attitude to accommodate and neutralize negative personalities. Learn new communications techniques to make problem personalities change their behavior out of a desire to gain your positive attention and feedback and, perhaps, to stop being miserable.

“To communicate effectively with other people, you must have some understanding of what matters most to them.”

Changing anyone’s actions is difficult, but to cope with problem people, first identify the source of each person’s bad behavior by focusing on a basic human trait: aggression. Difficult people show varied levels of aggressiveness, ranging from the desire to dominate a situation to open belligerent attacks. A problem person’s degree of aggressive behavior probably depends on the situation and personalities involved. Diagnose aggression by listening to how loudly someone speaks and what message they deliver. Observe whether their aggression is focused toward others or themselves.

“Criteria are the filters on our point of view, the standards by which we measure ideas and experiences to determine if they are good or bad.”

What drives a problem personality in a work situation? In many cases, difficult people plow through the office obliviously offending others – they are simply too focused on getting the job done or too intent on controlling their co-workers. If these forces are balanced and their priorities remain focused, work can proceed in a normal fashion.

“When you take back the advantage of time, you can use it to deal with your emotional response to what you’re reading.”

Remain alert to the professional circumstances of the people around you. When their lives shift, their priorities can change and so can their behavior.

Identify problematic personality types by watching what they do. Tanks, Snipers and Know-It-Alls focus on control. They accomplish domination by embarrassing others (the Sniper), hogging a conversation (the Know-It-All) or being outright aggressive (the Tank). When they focus intently on doing their jobs right, some problem people become perfectionists, including the Whiner, the No People and the Nothing People. This does not make them easier to live with, as you might imagine.

Gaining Control

Even obnoxious people operate within a range. When they cross the line into offensiveness, its time to seek reform. Use specific techniques directed to each negative personality type to gain control of the situation.

Tanks

When Tanks move in to dominate a project, you should not acquiesce or just sit back and accept criticism. Instead, politely, but insistently, interrupt the attack, move back to addressing the main point which prompted the encounter and stick up for yourself. Make your point in a way that commands respect.

Snipers

Neutralize Sniper attacks by showing others that the barrage is unprovoked. If a Sniper makes a specific criticism, address it. Perhaps suggest working together for the common good. Then, the Snipers won’t be able to undercut your work without chopping up theirs.

Know-It-Alls

Dealing with Know-It-Alls requires some fact checking and preparation since they operate from the premise that they know more than anyone else. Your job is to prove them wrong. First, acknowledge the merits of their viewpoints or their mastery of a subject, however meager. This requires humility, but it works. As a closing tactic, advance your position indirectly by presenting your argument in a “what-if” format or as a hypothetical situation. Convert these people into useful partners by approaching them as mentors who can help develop your career.

Think-They-Know-It-All

A related, but less threatening type is the Think-They-Know-It-All. These people basically crave attention. Neutralize them by asking for more specifics about their proposals (often, they don’t have any) and providing honest feedback about their ideas. Once you show that their ideas are weak, the cycle will be broken.

Grenades

Defuse them by shifting power from them to a manager or co-worker. First you must get their attention. Then, determine what provoked the outburst, express sympathy and try to understand why their feelings got hurt. This should cool the situation enough to break off the interaction and end the confrontation. Make a follow-up plan to prevent future dramas.

Yes People

They are overextended. In an effort to get approval, they agree to tasks that they have no time to complete or are not qualified to do. They mean well, but cannot finish the job. Tell them that they can reject an assignment without a stigma or official disapproval. Your honesty will be rewarded if they can learn time management with the goal of assuming less work, but honoring the commitment to complete their remaining tasks.

Maybe People

They want to get along with everybody, but lack the decisiveness to create and implement a plan. Instead, their timid decision making abilities put them in decision Neverland. To break this cycle, respect their comfort zone, since they cannot be forced into making decisions without suffering trauma. Gradually move them into a discussion that clarifies their options and forces any conflicts into open discussion. Help them adopt a logical decision making system, even something as simple as creating a list of the pros and cons of a given choice.

Nothing People

They often has the answers, but must be coaxed to present them. This may require time. Use open-ended questions to elicit the information you need or use humor to establish a dialogue. As a last step in dealing with truly intransigent silent workers, ask where the situation is leading and explain how a dead-end can hamper their future.

No People

The goal in dealing with No People is to progress from negativity to problem solving. Ask them to ponder a problem and pose a solution. An open-ended approach works best since it opens the door for a positive approach to emerge.

Whiners

Complaining workers, such as Whiners, may make valid points disguised as a hail of problems. Set them up as problem-solving partners who can address a specific problem since they know the main obstacles. This shifts their information into a solution-building mode. Convert Whiners into positive influences by showing them the merits of solving problems.

Best Practices for Telephone and E-mail Use

Sometimes you must deal with problem types on the telephone or by e-mail. Use these specific techniques to communicate more efficiently on the telephone:

• Take notes – Write down key points during phone conversations and repeat them or incorporate them into a follow-up letter.
• Stand up – When using the phone, control the emotional tone of your voice by standing. Headsets allow you to walk around the room to stay calm and alert.
• Breathe – Use deep breathing to reduce tension and focus your thoughts.

“Every difficult person that crosses your path, when placed in a positive frame of reference, presents you with the golden opportunity to develop your communications skills.”

While e-mail is touted for its speed, that can also be its undoing. Written correspondence once required forethought, research and organization. A handwritten letter connoted personal style, right down to the quality and color of the paper. That is still true of formal invitations, for example. But e-mail has re-oriented written communication. It values speed, which can be a downfall for people who dash off emotional messages.

“When you look through the lens of understanding, you can also observe that there are patterns to what people focus their attention on in any given situation.”

When communicating via e-mail, avoid quick comments or quips. Focus on your content and how you convey it. While professional writers have extensive experience composing at the keyboard, most people should research and reflect on what they write. Be sure that you:

• Re-read e-mails before you hit send – Spell checking is a great tool, but it can change spellings and meanings. Once an un-proofed note is sent, the damage is done. This can have a negative impact on your credibility.
• Don’t vent in an e-mail – You’ve been to an ugly meeting and you’re upset, but don’t fall prey to going back to your desk and venting on the keyboard. If you do, don’t send the note. Write it and save it. Read it later. Take advantage of the numbing effect of time in ameliorating many unpleasant situations.
• Think twice before forwarding – Forwarding an emotional note implicitly endorses or criticizes its content. If that is your intention, fine. But if not, beware. Those who forward angry notes may inadvertently launch a separate discussion about taking a note out of context or involving people who don’t know about the matter at hand.

“No one cooperates with people who seem to be against them.”

When you respond to an e-mail, quote it in your response. That keeps the discussion on track and allows other people – even problem people – to add their layers of comments or facts.

Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner began their careers as holistic physicians who addressed the emotional and mental aspects of wellness and healing. They co-authored Life by Design, Making Wise Choices in a Mixed Up World, as well as video and audiotapes. Their clients include AT&T, Hewlett-Packard, Texaco, the U.S. Army and the Young Presidents Organization.